Epiphany

I realized something tonight about myself that most people around me don't understand and it took me a long time to figure it out too. I love too much and too deeply. I'm not just saying this to be dramatic. but I truly believe I love in a way that most people have forgot how to do. Once I love you I am 100% loyal and true and I love you completely even if you drive me crazy. I will forgive you a thousand times and give you a thousand chances.
I used to when I got hurt take that love and turn it into anger and because I was hurt I'd curl up in a ball and block everyone out. I tried to for a long time not to care for people or let people close. Because each time I lost a friendship it hurt deep down in my heart so much that I didn't want to hurt that way again. I wanted to blame the other person but I know I've definitely been at fault as well.
But it's still hard for me to become close to people I'm scared that I'll love them too much. I'm afraid that people won't love me the same way back. Because once I love you there's no going back for me. It's a tak or leave it forver kind of thing! So I hold part of myself in reserve. I may be bad at staying connected with friends but I lament not being close and when I see friends again nothing has changed on my part. and I feel awkward wanting it to be the same for them too. I worry that people won't still love me the same. I worry what people think of me because.
Maybe I stay too much the same. Maybe I find comfort too much in things that I've know. But when I love someone I don't care what they've done because I love people with beautiful hearts! Sometimesk beautiful people do awful things, good people mess up, people are not perfect... not one, not me.
Do you realize how much you hurt me when you hurt someone I love. I take on there pain as my own. I feel it all too deeply as if it were my own. I hate it why does anyone have to hurt another person ever! I just don't understand it. I try not to myself but I know I do. it's such an unperfect world. and then to make things worse we feel we need to hold that hurt deep down inside, wear it around on our necks, hold the person that hurt us in bondage for the rest of our lives but instead we are the ones in bondage.
who benefits?
do you fulfill your silly stupid pride?
do you feel better punishing this person over and over again?
does it make you a happy person?
believe the answers are no one benefits and it will never make you happy. and me do i hate you for these things you do? no, I don't hate you for what you do either. I once knew this man that had a joyful laugh and brilliant mind. But he was hurting so badly from a lose he felt in his heart a belonging that he never felt he shared with his family, a longing to be good enough that he never felt he reached. and in his hurt he tried to drown away is sorrow in drink. He lashed out his pain with words on his family for years, hurtful scarring words that left marks and wounds no one could see. but do I hate this man? no.
I used to be unforgiving and I used to wallow in my pain too. but life is too short to be unhappy and punishing myself with my past hurts over and over again. I want to embrace the love that I feel. I never truly recognized how much I do love people. Iit was always buried in something else. pain, unforgivness, worry, I was trying not to love trying not to show it. I was hiding. but i can't change how I love people. and why would I want to? It's pure and true and not searching for what you can do for me but just loving for who you are.
You may call me stupid. Think I'm falling prey and opening myself up for more hurt and pain. That may be so but I'm not going to stop. Not loving because of fear is a cowardly thing. Not doing something because you may fail, would get no advances. You don't have to understand me.

I just ask you try to forgive someone that hurt you long ago.
try to love deeply
try to think of others
try to not to judge someone without know their back story.

hurt given most likely is pain felt
should their hurt not be worth a thought as well

life

I'd like to tell you I've been too busy to write, which if I was doing everything I should then that'd be the case. but in truth we don't do that much around here. most days are the same. wake up, school, come home, girls take a nap, I do homework or nap, we play or go to thegym or store, supper, then bed, and maybe a little more homework. that's pretty much our life, nothing exciting. not that it's a bad life, just sometimes I feel most people wouldn't care too much for it.

truly there are exciting things, I have to learn to enjoy our days and not just key them pass by without seeing God's beauty and thanking him for it.

sawyer is talking up a storm, and she talks really well, I love cuddling with her every night watching a movie before bed, though she's extremely active she's also very loving. but she's also been a source of frustration for me lately, and see myself losing my temper with her. one she's having a lapse in her potty training, we used to go days without accidents (even at night) and then out of nowhere she was barely using the potty, lots and lots of changing and washing clothes. also she's really been pushing they limits with how far she can take things (not listening, talking rudely, taking things from maisy) I feel like I've had to constantly discipline her, which I really haven't but I know she knows the rules, and I know the discipline works our at least used to. (I'm very consistent so that's why it feels kilter I'm doing it all the time) I don't let her get away with things she knows she's not supposed to do, I know it's just a phase, testing the waters.... but it's frustrating, and somedays are better than others.

maisy is so active, she runs around our house babbling and chasing sawyer. she climbs all over and tries to get into everything. really she is just so funny. she is doing something funny everytime I turn my turn, and she knows it. she tries to make you laugh. just like sawyer she knows she's cute and funny. she's a great baby, very happy and pretty easy going, up until you make her mad that us and then she freaks out! and she screams! so loud, she used to hate bring told no, she's getting better, but swatting her hand and little spanks don't work that well with her like sawyer, so I just walk off and leave her to cry (yes I just let her cry on the floor), she usually gets it and a couple seconds, but not much else works.

as for me classes are going well I really enjoy my classes this semester so that's good. and this semester my roommate has classes at the same time so we switch off who drives which is really nice, and saves money...  I've also started going to t this bible study thing with some girls (most of them from norfolk area) so that's been nice to get out and connect. well I ned to get going, I'll leave you with some pictures

Potty training, crawling and a contest

So things here have been moving right along. Sawyer started potty training this past week. I was a little worried about it cuz i have never done it before (not using the potty i've done that ;) ) i didn't know how to train "pottying" lol and thinking of buying pull ups was daunting, but i asked some of my good mommy friends and got some gerber training pants, i nerded out a little thinking "yay! i love cloth diapers and cloth training pants" i was totally excited to start but didn't really know how to start and after the first 2 days of running around with no pants on and quite a few accidents, quite a bit of cleaning up floors, washing pants and very little actual using the potty i was about to give up and say "let's try again later" phew man raising kids is sure a lot of work and teaching an old dog new tricks (*wink wink* aka the parents) hahaha. but after one afternoon back in diapers i went at it again and trained myself with success! woohoo! Sawyer has stayed dry during naps and has had two days of no accidents. (most accidents are my fault for forgetting anyways... I told you training :P) so we still have to reinforce it and i'm sure we'll have accidents to come but it's looking really great! ha

maisy is crawling forwards now and doing great! she doesn't tend to go long distances and have much of an urge to go exporing, so that's great, haven't lost her yet, or her get into much trouble. she doesn't get a little more frustrated now though because she thinks she has crawling down so she wants to walk. She's standing up on everything, always wanting you to hold her hands so she can be on her feet, and gets mad if you don't let her or you take to long. but then she's her happy self again smiling with her big ole grin while he's standing. soon i'll have 2 toddlers and i'm sure maisy will be getting hurt, while sawyer drags her around. hahaha maisy isn't quite as adventurous as sawyer, maisy is more content looking at everything around her and interacting with those things instead of seeing what's around the corner and above the fridge and behind the door like sawyer is. it's fun seeing the differences in the girls. they both or so wonderful and joyful (most the time) and cute


and i guess i'm not the only one to notice how cute they are. this weekend there was a baby expo in Lincoln, and they had a cutest baby contest that you could enter for free, she i entered both the girls. and sure enough Sawyer tied for first place. (I'm sure maisy had to be up there too). but i guess she gets a bunch of prizes and cash and is going to be in our local paper! how is that for fun! ha... I'll have more information later

Homemade Memories

One good thing about having no money is staying home and falling back on classic homeiness and coming up with entertaining free activities. As I said before we've been going on walks and bike ride, these are a great favorite adventure, exploring our new neighborhood.the other day sawyer was a big girl and got to help make cookies, yummy pumpkin. She still doesn't really like the mixer but she liked dumping in ingredients and "stirring" She also liked getting to lick off the mixer :) everyone has happy memories of making cookies it's just so homey! the girls also have been big on pool and bath time. I just love that they can play together now or at least play by themselves while in the water together. isn't it the cutest when siblings bathe together!

Start of classes and new routine

At this time i am now in my 2nd week of classes. things have, for the most part been going very good. I'm moving right along in my classes, they seem not to be very hard right now and for the most part enjoyable. the girl's and i are falling into a routine already, though their schedule hasn't changed much expect for who they spend their mornings with. We still get up at the same time ( i get up with them and get them ready then go to school) and do naps the same time (after i get home from classes), we try to eat around general times and play and do the stuff we usually do. it's been very convient to have my mom and sister in law watch the girls. easier on my and the girls seem to enjoy it.
the only blip in the whole thing has been i've been waiting on my money from the school (grants) to arrive. this was very stressful to me because they first mailed it to the wrong place and then no one could tell me where it was or when/if it was coming at all... so groceries, gas, and everything else was not the easiest to get for awhile since i had NO money! but thankfully it came TODAY! God is so good! and i knew He would provide; in the middle of having no money my mom was able to sell my old saxaphone and get us a washing machine so we didn't have to drive to do our laundry (sorta a necessity when we do cloth diapers) and i was able to put some groceries on my student account to pay later. so let's just say i am beyond relieved to have the money finally come in phew!

sorry for the pictures they were sent from my phone and couldn't get them rotated

maisy is getting much more moble now ( though not quite crawling) she can roll, move backward, turn and sit up all by herself and she absolutely LOVES standing. sometimes she yells and me till i hold her little hands and lets her stand


Sawyer is so funny her big thing lately is going on walks she wants to go one like 5 times a day (we don't go that much) she loves "wunning" with "KaKey" and picking up sticks, she usually takes one things along with us whether is be this awesome goodwill hat, or chalk in her bucket, these walks are always interesting and getting this lazy mama off her butt



the girls love cuddle time though not always together (maisy touches sawyer too much teehee) i asked my roommate to take a picture uz i hardly have any pictures of me with the girls cuz i'm the one taking the pictures (sorry we couldn't get sawyer to look at the right time or at all)



the other day at my sister's we decided to try and paint sawyer's toenails. my sister was excited, i was worried and sawyer just looked excited as usual. i did them and she sat there very still laughing every time i put more color on her nails. and she would say "cooooote" aka cute. let's just say she loved it and we have since done it again with more success!



hahah i loved this picture of maisy it was right after nap time and time for food. she just like sawyer looooooooves eating and feeding herself. and she's always the happy camper (except if she has to wait for me to give her more. lol



love you guys

Change of Address

This past week we have been getting settled in our new home. We moved to lincoln for me to go back to school. Classes start on monday aahhh. It's been a strange week, good, much better than expected, but it still sort of feels like a visit. The girls have dealt well with the adjustments, in fact they hardly seem to notice the difference.
Our house (duplex) is really nice and has quite a bit of space, it's kind of funny because it's old military housing so everything looks similar but I still like it.
Once school starts some of my family will watch the girls while I go to classes in the morning, never later then 12:30 and never more then 3 hours a day. To me that's important not being away from the girls too much. Plus not getting overloaded on school either, hopefully it all works as planned.

Lesley Roberts
4221 NW 54th St
Lincoln, NE 68524

Picky eater

So Sawyer has been such a picky eater lately. She doesn't want to eat much of anything that I give her. So I've been getting creative. Sawyer loves dipping things, anything! so in the morning I give her a little milk and she dips her cereal in, or chicken nuggets dipped in ranch, chips with salsa. Another thing I've been doing is trying to sneak in vegetables. I've made pumpkin cookies (big success) zucchini bread, carrot cake muffins, veggie fries, veggies in meatloaf. There are a few other things I'd like to try if anyone has ideas i'm all ears.

Also, to my great pleasure, casey is back home. He had been at my moms because where I'm renting the man didn't want animals in the house, but my mom said casey wasn't really eating. So I talked to the mam again and he said yes! Sawyer just lives having him back. She used to ssy goodnight to him even when he wasn't home but now she can she nigh nigh to him for real!

Tour of home

Here's some pictures of our new home... Sorry it's taken so long. It's  the living room kitchen and girls' room

Getting over sickness

So this couple of days off and on sawyer, I, our even like maisy (though not really) have not been feeling the best. It started sunday with sawyer being much more attached to me then usual. Then monday I had to be holding her or be next to her for her not to be completely miserable. That night I was unable to get like any sleep, (not because of the girls) I had stayed up later then usual and then everytime I was almost asleep I'd get up coughing. That next day I was exhausted, brain malfunctioning, and though sawyer was feeling a little better I was not and I went to bed after the craziest night at work with a slight fever. Wednesday was the worst (though no fever til the evening) I was having stomach problems and had another hectic night at work... Boo... Well we were feeling much better today though maisy has developed a little cough and I was able to clean up my messy house some (i didn't do much when I was sick) so hopefully soon I'll get some pictures of my new place up for you all to see.

Dedication and first pay check

Sunday at my church was a family service sunday, which honestly I often have day dreams and glazed eyes through, but this time I decided to dedicate the girls in front of the church. Saying I will bring them up to know christ, at least to the best if my ability, and with God's equipping. So my family came down for it. It was really nice just being together and also to have them there to witness my intent.

Also in happenings, today I picked up my first check since going back to work... It's nice having my own income but also saddening knowing it's not enough. That I'll still have to find something to make more. Something will work out though, I'm sure.

Quick trip, diapers and some doctors visits

Saturday the girls, my sister and I  took a day trip to lincoln. It was a a nice day traveling. We took a detour through some rural roads so my sister could check on some kids that she does tracking for with her job. It was slightly out of the way, but it's not often that we divert from our usual routes so I really enjoyed it. Plus time with my sister was also very nice, and hearing sawyer laugh at her. Lol

When we did finally get to town we stopped by my mom's then we went around town. I was giving a little money to get more cloth diapers. I was very excited because with maisy I haven't really had to buy but a few diapers for her (i was given a bunch of disposables and cloth diapers) it may be weird to some people but I'm totally excited to start maisy on cloth diapers! I really don't mind washing them and dealing with dirty diapers. Plus I really hate buying diapers all the time and with cloth I kinda feel like I'm doing some good for my girls, budget, the planet... etc. I don't know that could be a dumb reason but it's like I accomplish something everytime I wash a load.

Anyways, after buying more diapers and spending some time at the mall one of my best friends joined us and we got to eat at chipotle! Oh yummy deliciousness. I filled my belly!

On the way home sawyer could not sleep because she was coughing so bad. It made me very sad and it was the start of her weird sickness stuff (i know great technical words) Sunday she was just tired from not sleeping but monday she started getting a slight fever and little red
hive type things started coming up on her torso, so I took her to the doctor. They told me she had an ear infection and the hives were a viral rash, I got an antibiotic and tried to be appeased. But tuesday the hive/rash got worse and she started itching in the evening while we were at work. Plus what really got me was her lips started swelling. I had an appointment for a check up in the morning but didn't know if I could  wait that long.

After talking to people and giving her a bath I decided to wait. It was a long night for me worrying but sawyer woke up feeling normal and though the marks were still there they were looking better. The doctor said that she was looking really good and that the hives would run their course and be fine shortly. Sawyer also though still not on the growth chart for weight is following her little curve well and has grown 3 inches and 3 pounds. I left feeling much better. Hopefully the proof of the hives goes away soon though.

A week of visits

This week has been a busy week. It seems everyone has come to visit. On monday one of my good friends, Breana was in town with her husband and son. The girls and I went to the mall and had lunch with them. Breana's son, Jaden is somewhere in the middle between Sawyer and Maisy's ages; it's fun seeing them interact and compare stories of the latest antics.

Then that afternoon my cousin and her husband were in town because the next day they were heading to omaha to fly out to florida for a vacation, I wanted to go with them, enjoy the nicer weather and see some family too, but I'm stuck here in the cold yet again. This is a picture of Sawyer covering my cousin's husband in tissue paper while he was sleeping... I have to say we did encourage it.

Wednesday brought more people. My mother came to town to see two old exchange students from Japan were in Norfolk. Mizuki, who lived with us, and Arisa, who was here the same year but with a different family.

We got to spend a good part of the day with them and part of the next. They are very funny girls and were very excited to meet Sawyer and Maisy. They took nonstop pictures and were laughing at all my girls cuteness.

Somewhere in the mix an old neighbor of mine growing up came over for a visit to net my girls and to see my mother. Sawyer I think felt very spoiled with all these new people see was getting to see. So she showed off how talkative and crazy she could be.

Overall it was a very exciting week. A little tiring but good to see so many people. It was also nice having space for people to come in and visit with us.

Doctors appt

Today was maisy's 2 month check up. She is growing, maybe not so much like a weed, but shes getting there.
8lbs 4oz
20 3/4"
That may seem little but it's bigger than before and it's right along the chart's line... Shes in the 5%-10% on the chart
Doctor says everything looks wonderful. Shes super strong and healthy, but of course we knew she would be! ;)
She did really great with the exam. Shes pretty laid back when it comes to things so getting moved about didn't really effect her much, she just sat there very nice while staring at mommy the whole time.
The only bad time was the shots at the very end, which we both fell asleep waiting for. So sad to see littles so upset.
well we go back again in 2 months we'll let you know how it goes love you

Presents

Today in the mail we got a very lovely present from GranJan and Granpy, Maisy's quilt! It reminds me of the beach with waves and sand, makes you want to have the summer weather right now. And it's right in time for some nebraska nice weather. Sawyer laid down on it like two seconds after I laid it out to look at. Maisy will have to fight for her share. :)  Thanks GranJan for your handiwork!

Zoo

Valentines day my sister and I decided randomly to head to omaha to go to the zoo, since we had nothing else to do today and the weather has been so nice! (40's! sweatshirt weather compared to single digits and negatives) And it ended up being a really great time. I just love the zoo and sawyer liked running around and looking at the animals. Though a couple of times took off, shes a fast little girl.. Maisy slept most the time but I think she enjoyed the fresh air.
Another thing is I got to use my new sit n stand stroller! I've had it a little while but I've only used it at the mall, so it was great getting it out to stretch it's legs lol. walking in the sunshine and having fun. we loaded down the stroller and boy it really can fit alot. I love it! Well I hope you all enjoyed the day as well as I did love you

Hi!

Today while out and about, I realized how joyful Sawyer is. She's so great, she has to tell ¡everyone! we pass in the stroller "hi" and wave at them. She's always making everyone smile, it's like an involuntary thing when they see her. Even people that look like they would not be"kid" people tell her hi back or start talking to her. It makes me happy knowing Sawyer is so happy and friendly, she seems to love everyone, especially little kids, she seeks them out. So from Sawyer to you all "HI"

Sunshine

The weather here the last couple weeks hasn't been the most welcoming to be outside. We've had windchills as cold as -45. So to say the least we've been staying indoors as much as possible and bundling up when we do go out of doors. 
But we have some good news coming our way! This next week its supposed to warm up to the 40's! How long it will stay I'm not sure but hopefully we'll get some fun in the sun.  Little maisy doesn't see really anything when we go out and about as she is completely covered with blankets and sawyer gets painfully cold hands, she is know to take off her gloves in the car where mom can't put then back on, so im looking forward to maybe taking a walk or just not having to worry as much about the girls getting too child. 

Moving

So A LOT has been going on. And to make things crazier, I decided we should move. Saturday we got most everything moved into the new place. It's a little house where we are renting to main floor. The elderly gentleman that owns it spends most his time in minnesota where his wife is in a group/nursing home type thing. Its nice having some more space and it will be saving us money which is always nice. It's been sort of overwhelming but it feels like a step in the right direction. Sawyer surprisingly hasn't had any issues with the move, she just likes playing in all the empty boxes.  Maisy doesn't realize what's going on she just goes with the flow of things, she is a very content little baby.

Happy Thanksgiving

Sorry for the lack of update for awhile. Just wanted to pop on and send a little hello out to you all and hoping you all had wonderful Thanksgivings.
Micah's been very busy lately working full time at a stressful job and also partime at the bookstore, which is getting busy with the holiday season. Micah also has started setting up a gathering at the bookstore where people get together and play a card game that him and several of his friends play and has been doing a really good good there.
I'm now just over 35 weeks along. only less than 5 weeks to go till baby #2 is here. it's been coming really fast and i've been slightly stressed arranging where the little girl is going to go when she gets here so christmas thoughts have kind of gotten put on the back burner. so please don't feel neglacted family if presents fine there way to you late or anything like that. you are all in our thoughts we just don't have all the means or mental capcity to be thinking on the subject much.
sawyer is being a big love bug lately, i think she knows something is coming because she just constantly is wanting to be head. some of it i don't mind like the extra hugs and loving throughout the day and before bed but it's also a hinderance to daily chores and quiet times. another reason she's been extra lovey is she has had teeth coming in, she's now up to 5! she still is happ most of the time though she seems to enjoy releasing her excitement in big bursts of screaming sometimes (trying to get them to be quieter) but she love her mommy and daddy and everyone else pretty much (social butterfly) which will be kinda nice that she's okay with others when her little sister gets here, and then we know also that she will love having a sister.
well love you all, have to go. i'll put up pictures later

Sawyer-isms

just a little share time on things sawyer likes

Sawyer likes sitting in daddy's lap

and playing with mommy's hair

She likes running up and down the hallway

and playing outside

She likes splashing in water

and taking baths

Sawyer likes loving on her puppy Casey (or any other animal)

and throwing toys for him to play with

She likes brushing her teeth (2 is pural)

and brushing her own hair

Sawyer likes her yellow blanket

and teddy bear

She likes walking on her toes

and climbing on her toys

Sawyer likes gulping down her sipping

and feeding herself

She likes playing with her new alphabet magnets

and reading books

Sawyer likes talking

and talking some more