Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I used to when I got hurt take that love and turn it into anger and because I was hurt I'd curl up in a ball and block everyone out. I tried to for a long time not to care for people or let people close. Because each time I lost a friendship it hurt deep down in my heart so much that I didn't want to hurt that way again. I wanted to blame the other person but I know I've definitely been at fault as well.
But it's still hard for me to become close to people I'm scared that I'll love them too much. I'm afraid that people won't love me the same way back. Because once I love you there's no going back for me. It's a tak or leave it forver kind of thing! So I hold part of myself in reserve. I may be bad at staying connected with friends but I lament not being close and when I see friends again nothing has changed on my part. and I feel awkward wanting it to be the same for them too. I worry that people won't still love me the same. I worry what people think of me because.
Maybe I stay too much the same. Maybe I find comfort too much in things that I've know. But when I love someone I don't care what they've done because I love people with beautiful hearts! Sometimesk beautiful people do awful things, good people mess up, people are not perfect... not one, not me.
Do you realize how much you hurt me when you hurt someone I love. I take on there pain as my own. I feel it all too deeply as if it were my own. I hate it why does anyone have to hurt another person ever! I just don't understand it. I try not to myself but I know I do. it's such an unperfect world. and then to make things worse we feel we need to hold that hurt deep down inside, wear it around on our necks, hold the person that hurt us in bondage for the rest of our lives but instead we are the ones in bondage.
do you fulfill your silly stupid pride?
do you feel better punishing this person over and over again?
does it make you a happy person?
believe the answers are no one benefits and it will never make you happy. and me do i hate you for these things you do? no, I don't hate you for what you do either. I once knew this man that had a joyful laugh and brilliant mind. But he was hurting so badly from a lose he felt in his heart a belonging that he never felt he shared with his family, a longing to be good enough that he never felt he reached. and in his hurt he tried to drown away is sorrow in drink. He lashed out his pain with words on his family for years, hurtful scarring words that left marks and wounds no one could see. but do I hate this man? no.
I used to be unforgiving and I used to wallow in my pain too. but life is too short to be unhappy and punishing myself with my past hurts over and over again. I want to embrace the love that I feel. I never truly recognized how much I do love people. Iit was always buried in something else. pain, unforgivness, worry, I was trying not to love trying not to show it. I was hiding. but i can't change how I love people. and why would I want to? It's pure and true and not searching for what you can do for me but just loving for who you are.
You may call me stupid. Think I'm falling prey and opening myself up for more hurt and pain. That may be so but I'm not going to stop. Not loving because of fear is a cowardly thing. Not doing something because you may fail, would get no advances. You don't have to understand me.
I just ask you try to forgive someone that hurt you long ago.
try to love deeply
try to think of others
try to not to judge someone without know their back story.
hurt given most likely is pain felt
should their hurt not be worth a thought as well
Sunday, February 19, 2012
I'd like to tell you I've been too busy to write, which if I was doing everything I should then that'd be the case. but in truth we don't do that much around here. most days are the same. wake up, school, come home, girls take a nap, I do homework or nap, we play or go to thegym or store, supper, then bed, and maybe a little more homework. that's pretty much our life, nothing exciting. not that it's a bad life, just sometimes I feel most people wouldn't care too much for it.
truly there are exciting things, I have to learn to enjoy our days and not just key them pass by without seeing God's beauty and thanking him for it.
sawyer is talking up a storm, and she talks really well, I love cuddling with her every night watching a movie before bed, though she's extremely active she's also very loving. but she's also been a source of frustration for me lately, and see myself losing my temper with her. one she's having a lapse in her potty training, we used to go days without accidents (even at night) and then out of nowhere she was barely using the potty, lots and lots of changing and washing clothes. also she's really been pushing they limits with how far she can take things (not listening, talking rudely, taking things from maisy) I feel like I've had to constantly discipline her, which I really haven't but I know she knows the rules, and I know the discipline works our at least used to. (I'm very consistent so that's why it feels kilter I'm doing it all the time) I don't let her get away with things she knows she's not supposed to do, I know it's just a phase, testing the waters.... but it's frustrating, and somedays are better than others.
maisy is so active, she runs around our house babbling and chasing sawyer. she climbs all over and tries to get into everything. really she is just so funny. she is doing something funny everytime I turn my turn, and she knows it. she tries to make you laugh. just like sawyer she knows she's cute and funny. she's a great baby, very happy and pretty easy going, up until you make her mad that us and then she freaks out! and she screams! so loud, she used to hate bring told no, she's getting better, but swatting her hand and little spanks don't work that well with her like sawyer, so I just walk off and leave her to cry (yes I just let her cry on the floor), she usually gets it and a couple seconds, but not much else works.
as for me classes are going well I really enjoy my classes this semester so that's good. and this semester my roommate has classes at the same time so we switch off who drives which is really nice, and saves money... I've also started going to t this bible study thing with some girls (most of them from norfolk area) so that's been nice to get out and connect. well I ned to get going, I'll leave you with some pictures
Sunday, September 18, 2011
maisy is crawling forwards now and doing great! she doesn't tend to go long distances and have much of an urge to go exporing, so that's great, haven't lost her yet, or her get into much trouble. she doesn't get a little more frustrated now though because she thinks she has crawling down so she wants to walk. She's standing up on everything, always wanting you to hold her hands so she can be on her feet, and gets mad if you don't let her or you take to long. but then she's her happy self again smiling with her big ole grin while he's standing. soon i'll have 2 toddlers and i'm sure maisy will be getting hurt, while sawyer drags her around. hahaha maisy isn't quite as adventurous as sawyer, maisy is more content looking at everything around her and interacting with those things instead of seeing what's around the corner and above the fridge and behind the door like sawyer is. it's fun seeing the differences in the girls. they both or so wonderful and joyful (most the time) and cute
and i guess i'm not the only one to notice how cute they are. this weekend there was a baby expo in Lincoln, and they had a cutest baby contest that you could enter for free, she i entered both the girls. and sure enough Sawyer tied for first place. (I'm sure maisy had to be up there too). but i guess she gets a bunch of prizes and cash and is going to be in our local paper! how is that for fun! ha... I'll have more information later
Friday, September 2, 2011
One good thing about having no money is staying home and falling back on classic homeiness and coming up with entertaining free activities. As I said before we've been going on walks and bike ride, these are a great favorite adventure, exploring our new neighborhood.the other day sawyer was a big girl and got to help make cookies, yummy pumpkin. She still doesn't really like the mixer but she liked dumping in ingredients and "stirring" She also liked getting to lick off the mixer :) everyone has happy memories of making cookies it's just so homey! the girls also have been big on pool and bath time. I just love that they can play together now or at least play by themselves while in the water together. isn't it the cutest when siblings bathe together!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
the only blip in the whole thing has been i've been waiting on my money from the school (grants) to arrive. this was very stressful to me because they first mailed it to the wrong place and then no one could tell me where it was or when/if it was coming at all... so groceries, gas, and everything else was not the easiest to get for awhile since i had NO money! but thankfully it came TODAY! God is so good! and i knew He would provide; in the middle of having no money my mom was able to sell my old saxaphone and get us a washing machine so we didn't have to drive to do our laundry (sorta a necessity when we do cloth diapers) and i was able to put some groceries on my student account to pay later. so let's just say i am beyond relieved to have the money finally come in phew!
sorry for the pictures they were sent from my phone and couldn't get them rotated
maisy is getting much more moble now ( though not quite crawling) she can roll, move backward, turn and sit up all by herself and she absolutely LOVES standing. sometimes she yells and me till i hold her little hands and lets her stand
Sawyer is so funny her big thing lately is going on walks she wants to go one like 5 times a day (we don't go that much) she loves "wunning" with "KaKey" and picking up sticks, she usually takes one things along with us whether is be this awesome goodwill hat, or chalk in her bucket, these walks are always interesting and getting this lazy mama off her butt
the girls love cuddle time though not always together (maisy touches sawyer too much teehee) i asked my roommate to take a picture uz i hardly have any pictures of me with the girls cuz i'm the one taking the pictures (sorry we couldn't get sawyer to look at the right time or at all)
the other day at my sister's we decided to try and paint sawyer's toenails. my sister was excited, i was worried and sawyer just looked excited as usual. i did them and she sat there very still laughing every time i put more color on her nails. and she would say "cooooote" aka cute. let's just say she loved it and we have since done it again with more success!
hahah i loved this picture of maisy it was right after nap time and time for food. she just like sawyer looooooooves eating and feeding herself. and she's always the happy camper (except if she has to wait for me to give her more. lol
love you guys