Epiphany

I realized something tonight about myself that most people around me don't understand and it took me a long time to figure it out too. I love too much and too deeply. I'm not just saying this to be dramatic. but I truly believe I love in a way that most people have forgot how to do. Once I love you I am 100% loyal and true and I love you completely even if you drive me crazy. I will forgive you a thousand times and give you a thousand chances.
I used to when I got hurt take that love and turn it into anger and because I was hurt I'd curl up in a ball and block everyone out. I tried to for a long time not to care for people or let people close. Because each time I lost a friendship it hurt deep down in my heart so much that I didn't want to hurt that way again. I wanted to blame the other person but I know I've definitely been at fault as well.
But it's still hard for me to become close to people I'm scared that I'll love them too much. I'm afraid that people won't love me the same way back. Because once I love you there's no going back for me. It's a tak or leave it forver kind of thing! So I hold part of myself in reserve. I may be bad at staying connected with friends but I lament not being close and when I see friends again nothing has changed on my part. and I feel awkward wanting it to be the same for them too. I worry that people won't still love me the same. I worry what people think of me because.
Maybe I stay too much the same. Maybe I find comfort too much in things that I've know. But when I love someone I don't care what they've done because I love people with beautiful hearts! Sometimesk beautiful people do awful things, good people mess up, people are not perfect... not one, not me.
Do you realize how much you hurt me when you hurt someone I love. I take on there pain as my own. I feel it all too deeply as if it were my own. I hate it why does anyone have to hurt another person ever! I just don't understand it. I try not to myself but I know I do. it's such an unperfect world. and then to make things worse we feel we need to hold that hurt deep down inside, wear it around on our necks, hold the person that hurt us in bondage for the rest of our lives but instead we are the ones in bondage.
who benefits?
do you fulfill your silly stupid pride?
do you feel better punishing this person over and over again?
does it make you a happy person?
believe the answers are no one benefits and it will never make you happy. and me do i hate you for these things you do? no, I don't hate you for what you do either. I once knew this man that had a joyful laugh and brilliant mind. But he was hurting so badly from a lose he felt in his heart a belonging that he never felt he shared with his family, a longing to be good enough that he never felt he reached. and in his hurt he tried to drown away is sorrow in drink. He lashed out his pain with words on his family for years, hurtful scarring words that left marks and wounds no one could see. but do I hate this man? no.
I used to be unforgiving and I used to wallow in my pain too. but life is too short to be unhappy and punishing myself with my past hurts over and over again. I want to embrace the love that I feel. I never truly recognized how much I do love people. Iit was always buried in something else. pain, unforgivness, worry, I was trying not to love trying not to show it. I was hiding. but i can't change how I love people. and why would I want to? It's pure and true and not searching for what you can do for me but just loving for who you are.
You may call me stupid. Think I'm falling prey and opening myself up for more hurt and pain. That may be so but I'm not going to stop. Not loving because of fear is a cowardly thing. Not doing something because you may fail, would get no advances. You don't have to understand me.

I just ask you try to forgive someone that hurt you long ago.
try to love deeply
try to think of others
try to not to judge someone without know their back story.

hurt given most likely is pain felt
should their hurt not be worth a thought as well